*** Wife [102] (to Peg)
"Oh honey, that again. Come here a second, will ya, let me tell you something. Now just 'cause I don't go to bed with you, doesn't mean I don't love ya. I mean, let's face it, even if you were beautiful - like that girl on TV - I'd still ignore ya. 'Cause your my wife! Don't stiffen on me Peg - let me tell ya what I mean. Remember that old baseball glove my dad gave me when I was a little kid? I loved that glove. Yeah, it's old and the webs loose, but, it's special to me. That's how I feel about you Peg. I may not tell you all the time but - I love you. I wouldn't do anything to change you, I think you're great just the way you are."

*** Society [211]
"Society somehow separated the sexes. It made some people women. I don't know why. I'd rather be dead. It made women weaker. They're meant to do things for men. Men aren't made to do things for women ... until they're married and the law makes them."

*** Winner/Loser [302] (to Ms. De Groot)
"So you think I'm a loser? Just because I have a stinking job that I hate, a family that doesn't respect me, a whole city that curses the day I was born? Well, that may mean loser to you, but let me tell you something. Every morning when I wake up, I know it's not going to get any better until I go back to sleep again. So I get up, have my watered down Tang and still-frozen Pop Tart, get in my car with no upholstery, no gas and six more payments to fight traffic just for the privilege of putting cheap shoes on the cloven hooves of people like you. I'll never play football like I thought I would, I'll never know the touch of a beautiful woman, and I'll never again know the joy of driving without a bag on my head. But I'm not a loser. 'Cause despite it all, me and every other guy who'll never be what he wanted to be, are still out there, being what we don't wanna be, forty hours a week, for life. And the fact that I haven't put a gun to my mouth, you pudding of a woman, makes me a winner!"

*** Today's world/Salons [310]
"They replace pinball machines with video games. What do I care if a monkey can make it to the top of a building unless he's going up there to throw his wife off. And have you seen cartoons lately, Peg? Remember when a mouse could hit a cat with a frying pan. What do
they do now? They talk it out. Do you know who's to blame? Women and pacifists. And do you know where they get their hair done? They go to salons."

*** Life [403]  (to the neighbours' kids)
"Kids, gather round the flashlight. Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time, there was a young boy. This boy had hope. He was single, thus he was happy. One night, a night much like tonight, it rose from the swamp with a sound ... thump ... thump ... thump. He saw it by the light of a bar: the evil red headed, high heeled, spandex monster. He ran from it. He stood it up. He dated others. But nothing could stop it. He heard it call »Honey«. It traped him. Opened it's mouth, buried it's fangs and said »Marry me«."

*** Life [501] (to Kelly)
"Okay. It's not a happy story, it's a story of great sadness: Once upon a time, there was a man who sold shoes. He was a good man, but somehow good things never came to him. Did I mention he was a great athlete in high school? People cheere him. That was before the red thing appeared. Darkness fell on shoe-town. Who would take on the red beast? Who would battle it? Who would marry it? The little shoeman stepped forward - or perhaps the others just stepped back? At any rate, an unholy union was born. So were two unholy children. And the lonely shoeman, who once had been a mighty athlete in high school and scored four touchdowns in one game and had many offers to junior colleges and could have made something of his life ... laid down and died. The end."

*** Women [605]
"We take a state no one's using, one they don't care about, say, Idaho, take all the preganant women, shove 'em in a donut truck and ship 'em off to Boise. We have Pregnaho, PMSachusetts, but where we're going is called Breast Virginia ... This is what happens when we let Pregnasaurs rule the Earth. We have one in our very house: The Great Red Pregzilla. Are we gonna let her see us with our legs in the air?"

*** Jealousy [814] (to Aaron)
"Aaron, let me explain something to you. You don't know anything. Even if a man is jealous, he can never, ever tell that to a woman. Well, that's like saying »Here, here's a hand grenade. Put it down my pants.« Once they know you're jealous, they've got you by your Bobbit. You will have lost your last ounce of dignity and, like the once mighty Mahi Mahi, you'll end up on a Poo Poo platter in the Tiki hut of life."